I had countless proposals all from desi brothers AFTER my divorce and they knew I was divorced, compared to only a few proposals before I was married. We got engaged 7 years ago while I was living in US and her living in Canada. My firstborn has helped smooth the bond between me and my in-laws and for us to become more humble towards each other. Marriage annulment is called faskh and Islam Q&A has an article about it:. You can maintain as much as modesty in clothes in his presence as you are comfortable with (whether that includes covering your head or not). What I have noticed is the Religion card often being used in an issue that is actually a highly traditional and culture problem…..The issue being of the spouse moving into her husbands parents house. But she should also look to where she lives, I think, her family and their support and what is her plan after the divorce if she goes that route. We have a stable financial situation. My daughter was born there. I was not used to doing so much house work. In some cases nuclear family is the only option. If his parents or other relatives become overbearingly dominating or dictatorial towards her, to the extent of restricting her independence, or oppressing her emotionally, he should protect his wife’s Islamic rights, and her peace of mind, by granting her, her due. As a result, you will find most nuclear families, particularly those residing in the West, opt for large age gaps between their children. Neither of us wants the other around after I am married lol. This is a serious issue and I needed time to turn it over in my head before forming an impartial opinion about it. May Allah guide us all to not commit any injustice with another, and also to STOP injustice when we see it, especially within our own homes and families. But so long as he is still young, or he is grown up but is not yet independent of means and is unable to earn a living, then it remains his father’s duty to spend on him until he becomes independent of means. You are right when you pointed this out: quote “if you also advocate that the young boys (after completion of college education or even before) to move out of the house and start earning their own living. Insha’Allah, you will be rewarded for your patience. Easy. The worst thing was that she was able to gather and rally other family members against me in subtle ways, my younger brother who used to berate and curse me behind my back used to talk politely to my face to pump information from me for my mother. We will be officially husband and wife. That way you can live with her, but visit them very often, and be there for them as and when they need help. Once he begins to love and trust her, only then would he be able to understand the injustice to his wife and only when he loves her.. would he long to be with her and when privacy becomes HIS need.. he will surely do something. Nowadays they are looking for a bride for my BIL. The reason for [the] delay is just mainly to prepare for the wedding and [to] accommodate family members’ schedule [for] the wedding. My relationship with my family is beyond repair. The problem is that living with your parents also puts you in a socially lower position than you deserve – but this is not your fault and again you should not be punished for it! This man is a pashtoon and has a lot of dignity, so he got angry and screamed at her to go back to her parents house. By Ginita Wall, Second Saturday Co-Founder. get divorce and then what about my kids. I won’t write further on this point as I respect you are more knowledgeable than I am on Islam but I would hope you use that knowledge to advise others to take the right course that ensures longstanding harmony – we should be positive and always hope for good relations despite our inherent human weaknesses. It is your husband’s responsibility to take care of you and if he can’t provide what you want divorce the coward rather than cursing you Mother-in-law. Finally, the sons need to grow up; you are now husbands. Living with parents often acts as a burden to many couples in this aspect. Though my parents do not want my future husband and I living in the same house. She should not complain, just be kind, loving and caring and InshaAllah he will change. A formal, binding contract – verbal or on paper – is considered integral to a religiously valid Islamic marriage, and outlines the rights and responsibilities of the groom and bride. please reply my question it’s a humble request. you are so harsh. Islam believes the choice of a marriage partner is one of the most important decisions a person will make in his or her lifetime. I left the dishes and attended to the needs of my daughter. – They have no daughters and since I was the first daughter-in-law in the house, they all went quite crazy. A marriage in Islam must be between opposite-sex partners who are not too closely related to each other. The interference is only temporary, since the marriage is new and the in laws, especially the husband’s parents want to be a part of the newly developing events. Nature and purpose of marriage. i did not understand ur comment / question what r u tryin to say sis ? waiting for your reply eagerly. Yes, the answers to all your questions are in the negative. She might question them intricately about each and every expenditure or outing, not giving them any privacy or independence, and so on. My husband is giving salary to his father since he got the job. I guess it must be the influence of hinduism where this was considered the norm, though we hardly see any cases in present day society amongst hindus. Insha’Allah, He will answer your earnest prayers and grant you a way out through ways and means that you cannot even fathom right now. We take out our son once or twice in a week and that too she does not like. When Islam evaluates situations, it considers them in terms of being fard (obligatory) or haram (forbidden). They reveal everything about their married life to them, and answer every personal, inquisitive question thrown their way. After that, need for more space becomes understandable, and actually a necessity that everyone acknowledges. Mostly when they are concerned that the son is not earning enough its for his own sake, that he will not be able to do well in life, for his own self, rather than the fact that they will not be getting much out of him. By the joint family we mean married children and their elderly parents living together in one house, usually with their bedrooms opening on to a common area and a shared kitchen. But I don’t think I have the mighty tricky brain handily his mom. Now there are 6 people and my 2 children. 3) Am I supposed to buy them cars/motorcycles for their commute cum leisure? She stayed in Canada where she studied and I stayed in US. I am glad that finally this blog post got a candid viewpoint from the other side i.e. We presume, or like to proclaim, that the sole benefactors of the joint family system are the elders of a family. What really disappointed me was how the article had supposedly nothing “un-Islamic” about it, yet it was considered to be presenting an unbalanced view of a cultural norm that has been accepted as part of our social fabric, yet because of which many people – including Muslims who have rights in Islam regarding marriage – suffer continually over even spans of decades. But unfortunately our society is too emotional and irrational to hear, think, ponder and decide on matters rationally… nevertheless things have to start somewhere…. I don’t what to do to make him see her true face… I am lost and really upset.. The parents usually own the house in which the married son might have to reside. Insha Allah, if we act justly, it may be that Allah ensures we are treated justly in turn. This is 21st century and we are moving towards equal rights for men and women. Hey it's a very good discussion i believe because living with parents after marriage is very good thing and in our tradition we definitely live with parents only. This is because when one of them reveals the details of their fight(s) to relatives – especially parents – the parents almost always side with their own son or daughter, and more often than not end up harboring rancor and grudges for the spouse of their offspring – even after everything gets rectified. You are surely living like a maid, especially the way you are serving a young sister-in-law…..*sigh*. No, they do NOT. My mother used bullying, smothering, admonishing and praise at different times to gain control over my existence, she used to pray 3 times a day, I wonder to whom, people who believe in Allah don’t act this way. And I live like a maid. However, the editor was of the opinion that it was “addressing a very specific aspect of married life, i.e. My mother used emotional blackmail in the most overt ways. Salam, nice article. Do you know how much private medical college fee is? How and when you advise them, is up to you, based on your past experience and relationship with them. Let me tell you one thing: money and wealth make a big difference in the mutual relationships within families where taqwa is lacking (I am NOT saying this about your husband’s family, but just making a general statement). Most Muslims believe marriage is a fundamental building block of life. My mother (I am muslim pakistani male) was one of the most toxic, manipulating and blackmailing women I have ever known in my life, this eventually led to complete estrangement from my entire family, I know this is wrong according to islam but after that has happened I decided I cannot live the rest of my life like that. Jazak Allahu khair for your input and suggestions. – I am an extremely non-confrontational and submissive-to-the-extreme person by nature (not boasting..it’s not always a good thing)..so I did not go into marriage thinking of rights and duties and doing the math all the time, rather, I had seen my parents go through an unhappy marriage so my only concern was to build a happy home for my new family. With regard to the violation of rules relating to Mahram etc – completely valid but it doesn’t absolve the obligation on the Islamic obligation with regard to respecting one’s parents. Rather, a happy daughter-in-law will probably turn around and return the favor later on in life, by taking care of the people who gave her such a good husband, and paved the way for her marital bliss and the highly-rewarding journey of motherhood! It is the right of the wife that you provide her with separate accommodation. I can go on and on and write a encycopedia on my experiences but this is not the place. One sad aspect of the modern-day joint family system is that adult, married offspring refuse or procrastinate to take on their parenting duties whole-heartedly once they have babies. You should not be the cause of a split between him and them. It is also her duty to look after parents or brother(not my husband) who gives his whole salary in her tuition fee. Preference for traditions, culture, and over-prioritization of the rights of a few is supported by an underlying foundation of insecurity and desire for continued control on others’ lives and activities. The sister’s husband is just a family person and wants to keep the parents involved, the sister can understand this as her husband’s nature and not get offended – what maybe priivate for her, may not be private for him. Needless to say, alhamdulillah I left, never looked back. Elders should act like elders and do justice. Asslamualykum, If the parents disapprove of something in her marital life or in her in-laws’ treatment of her, they clearly make it known to her, sometimes casting seeds of malice in their daughter’s heart. They, too, should grow up and take responsibility for their lives. With regard to your living separately, your husband has to ensure that you have a place where you can live separately, but there is nothing wrong with his parents living in the same place with you if the house is big enough, and if that will not cause you any harm. The Clouds Parted and “the Son” Shone Through…. They should get married from their own money and support their new families.” — I advocate this 100% and in fact, I plan to raise my own son this way, insha’Allah. Every viewpoint was kept in mind. According to her bahu is responsible for all the family members. All her nagging and ill treatments have forced me to keep distance from her now. I am responsible for all the work. For example, if your mom or dad is a single parent, she or he may no longer have anyone at home to lean on and may feel terribly alone. But there were factors for our happiness, that may not be there for everyone: – I was an only child, so there was no interference from my family. Muslim author of 15 Islamic non-fiction advice books, online adviser, (now sporadic) blogger, (occasional) freelance article writer, and perennial foodie. The only connection they have with it is through their lineage. For the new husband, he should realize that his relatives do not have exclusive, authoritative rights on his wife; in fact, she is entitled to her separate accommodation in Islam for a reason – her personal privacy. Salam, great article, I wish to show it to my parents. So, I advice the sister to give this relationship some time, just be comfortable with every situation and not to get provoked and hence react negatively. For example, if your mom or dad is a single parent, she or he may no longer have anyone at home to lean on and may feel terribly alone. This, over time, might make them believe that whatever they are thinking or doing is right, especially if they do not fear of Allah in their dealings with people and habitually indulge in some wrong actions e.g. But she is still never happy . She stays on her own busy with tv, relations phone n God knows what, but pretends to the world that we are unfair to her. Just as a favorite garment becomes softer and more comfortable over time, a spouse becomes the single, solid, supporting rock to which one clings during life’s intermittent upheavals and ‘storms’. Ultimately he had no choice but to move on and he is happily married now, alhamdulillah. It is highly unfair to use Islam when it suits us otherwise our lives are devoid of the concepts of the religion which we claim to follow. this article just had me wondering if i ll be able to let go of my kid when he s married i hope i do, thought cant say that it ll be a happy moment, but khair inshaAllah lets c, Hats off… a great piece of writing. I don’t burden them with any thing. Because they are elders. After the wedding and rukhsati or whatever, the bride and groom stayed in a hotel. Married women often serve their husbands’ siblings and their children even more than they do their own husband! Since brothers are related by blood , they can ignore each others’ shortcomings and make compromises but for the sisters in law who come from different backgrounds it becomes difficult to keep compromising on every little issue. We need to cure these troubles with the Quran and Islam. 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